Foible #11: A Newsworthy Birth

A generation ago or more it was fairly common for women to give birth at home, so one could say that everything happened in the marital bed. The child was both conceived there and born there. All the action happened in one place.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Now, women either give birth in specially designed hospital delivery rooms, if they are lucky, or on the roadside when they are frantically trying to make it to said rooms, if they are not so lucky. Life is all about timing and in Sarah Roberson’s case she was notorious for not being good at timing. She was once in a school play where she delivered most of her lines before the lines that were her cues. People thought it was one of those modern plays where time goes backwards, but it was just Sarah being Sarah.

Anyway, Sarah is eighteen and she got pregnant by her boyfriend Tom Hirshfield almost nine months ago. Sarah’s parents were devastated at the timing of it all. She was only eighteen. She was unmarried. Her boyfriend, Tom, had just signed up for military duty and would be leaving within a year. But to their credit, Sarah and Tom are still together and plan to get married before he leaves.

Sarah lives at home with her folks and last Saturday afternoon Sarah’s parents were out on the tag sale circuit leaving Sarah and Tom home watching a baseball game. It all started happening then and Tom got Sarah into his extended cab, 4 x 4 truck and started rushing toward the hospital which was two towns away in the county seat. They didn’t make it very far out of the lane and down the gravel road before Tom had to pull the truck over because it was happening.

Nature and Sarah did most of the work while a wide-eyed Tom went into sportscaster mode and called the play-by-play of what he was seeing happening down there. Nadine Elizabeth, a six and a half pound baby girl came into the world. Ironically, she was born at the same spot along that gravel road where she was conceived nine months earlier. The only difference is that she was conceived in the back seat of the extended cab truck and she was born in the front seat. So, they say that Nadine is precocious and is already moving up in the world.

I guess it still is possible to be born in the same place you are conceived, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you can avoid it.

Foible #10: Teen Graffiti: “Lester loves Patti”

Back in high school, in a passionate commitment of eternal love, Lester Habersham risked life and limb climbing onto the old railroad bridge in the middle of the night, walked precariously over the railroad ties whose spaces between dropped thirty feet to the road below, leaned far over the bridge with a spray can in hand, and wrote a contract of love for the world to see: “Lester Loves Patti.” He did this all without getting hurt and, more importantly, without getting caught.

Well, Lester’s first love was not quite eternal. It lasted only two weeks. But his contract to the world is still there for everyone to see, especially his wife. Lester is married to Susan and they have three children. They see the graffiti as a family every time they drive together under the railroad bridge heading east, which is once a week on their way to church. Susan points it out to the kids and it embarrasses Lester.

Susan has forgiven him, being the good church-going person that she is, but she certainly has not forgotten. What really gets her is that most people’s graffiti is subtle. They use initials like “R.K. + A.S.”, but not Lester. No, he spelled out full words. And everyone in town knows who it is because he is the only Lester in town. Susan was surprised that Lester didn’t write out the last names, too.

Almost every week on their drive to church, Susan retells some part of the story to their children about how she wanted Lester to ask her out but that Lester went gaga after Patti the head cheerleader and did foolish things to win her attention. Susan also tells her children how Patti dumped their father after two weeks and how Lester finally got around to asking her out. And Susan tells her children one more thing and this hurts Lester the most. She tells how their father never did anything so daring and romantic for her. Lester blushes all the way to church.

One Sunday, Lester had enough and decided to do something about it. Late Sunday night, he excused himself to go out on an errand and drove to the old railroad bridge with a spray can by his side. He parked the car off the road and looked up at the bridge looming thirty feet above him. His forty-year old legs were not quite as nimble as his fifteen-year old legs had been for climbing and balancing but he had to do something.

He barely made it up the steep dirt embankment to the track level. He was panting and sweating profusely from the climb. It was much higher than he remembered. He decided to crawl on the track on hands and knees instead of walking out on the ties like he did twenty-five years ago. After reaching the center, he leaned far out and began spray painting once again. It wasn’t long before a spotlight hit him and a loudspeaker called out. It was the police. They didn’t buy his story and he was under arrest for vandalism.

Susan was called to bail him out and he went home with her devastated. Susan was so angry and ashamed of him because all she knew was that Lester was arrested for vandalism of some sort.

The next week when they drove to church Susan saw for the first time the incomplete changes Lester had made. The word “Patti” was crossed out and the message now read “Lester Loves Sus” because he was arrested before he had finished. Susan cooed with delight at seeing this and leaned over to give him a big kiss on the cheek.

Now, every week on their drive to church, Susan has a new story to recount with her children about how Lester got arrested changing the graffiti for her. How romantic!