Foible #11: A Newsworthy Birth

A generation ago or more it was fairly common for women to give birth at home, so one could say that everything happened in the marital bed. The child was both conceived there and born there. All the action happened in one place.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Now, women either give birth in specially designed hospital delivery rooms, if they are lucky, or on the roadside when they are frantically trying to make it to said rooms, if they are not so lucky. Life is all about timing and in Sarah Roberson’s case she was notorious for not being good at timing. She was once in a school play where she delivered most of her lines before the lines that were her cues. People thought it was one of those modern plays where time goes backwards, but it was just Sarah being Sarah.

Anyway, Sarah is eighteen and she got pregnant by her boyfriend Tom Hirshfield almost nine months ago. Sarah’s parents were devastated at the timing of it all. She was only eighteen. She was unmarried. Her boyfriend, Tom, had just signed up for military duty and would be leaving within a year. But to their credit, Sarah and Tom are still together and plan to get married before he leaves.

Sarah lives at home with her folks and last Saturday afternoon Sarah’s parents were out on the tag sale circuit leaving Sarah and Tom home watching a baseball game. It all started happening then and Tom got Sarah into his extended cab, 4 x 4 truck and started rushing toward the hospital which was two towns away in the county seat. They didn’t make it very far out of the lane and down the gravel road before Tom had to pull the truck over because it was happening.

Nature and Sarah did most of the work while a wide-eyed Tom went into sportscaster mode and called the play-by-play of what he was seeing happening down there. Nadine Elizabeth, a six and a half pound baby girl came into the world. Ironically, she was born at the same spot along that gravel road where she was conceived nine months earlier. The only difference is that she was conceived in the back seat of the extended cab truck and she was born in the front seat. So, they say that Nadine is precocious and is already moving up in the world.

I guess it still is possible to be born in the same place you are conceived, but I wouldn’t recommend it if you can avoid it.

Foible #10: Teen Graffiti: “Lester loves Patti”

Back in high school, in a passionate commitment of eternal love, Lester Habersham risked life and limb climbing onto the old railroad bridge in the middle of the night, walked precariously over the railroad ties whose spaces between dropped thirty feet to the road below, leaned far over the bridge with a spray can in hand, and wrote a contract of love for the world to see: “Lester Loves Patti.” He did this all without getting hurt and, more importantly, without getting caught.

Well, Lester’s first love was not quite eternal. It lasted only two weeks. But his contract to the world is still there for everyone to see, especially his wife. Lester is married to Susan and they have three children. They see the graffiti as a family every time they drive together under the railroad bridge heading east, which is once a week on their way to church. Susan points it out to the kids and it embarrasses Lester.

Susan has forgiven him, being the good church-going person that she is, but she certainly has not forgotten. What really gets her is that most people’s graffiti is subtle. They use initials like “R.K. + A.S.”, but not Lester. No, he spelled out full words. And everyone in town knows who it is because he is the only Lester in town. Susan was surprised that Lester didn’t write out the last names, too.

Almost every week on their drive to church, Susan retells some part of the story to their children about how she wanted Lester to ask her out but that Lester went gaga after Patti the head cheerleader and did foolish things to win her attention. Susan also tells her children how Patti dumped their father after two weeks and how Lester finally got around to asking her out. And Susan tells her children one more thing and this hurts Lester the most. She tells how their father never did anything so daring and romantic for her. Lester blushes all the way to church.

One Sunday, Lester had enough and decided to do something about it. Late Sunday night, he excused himself to go out on an errand and drove to the old railroad bridge with a spray can by his side. He parked the car off the road and looked up at the bridge looming thirty feet above him. His forty-year old legs were not quite as nimble as his fifteen-year old legs had been for climbing and balancing but he had to do something.

He barely made it up the steep dirt embankment to the track level. He was panting and sweating profusely from the climb. It was much higher than he remembered. He decided to crawl on the track on hands and knees instead of walking out on the ties like he did twenty-five years ago. After reaching the center, he leaned far out and began spray painting once again. It wasn’t long before a spotlight hit him and a loudspeaker called out. It was the police. They didn’t buy his story and he was under arrest for vandalism.

Susan was called to bail him out and he went home with her devastated. Susan was so angry and ashamed of him because all she knew was that Lester was arrested for vandalism of some sort.

The next week when they drove to church Susan saw for the first time the incomplete changes Lester had made. The word “Patti” was crossed out and the message now read “Lester Loves Sus” because he was arrested before he had finished. Susan cooed with delight at seeing this and leaned over to give him a big kiss on the cheek.

Now, every week on their drive to church, Susan has a new story to recount with her children about how Lester got arrested changing the graffiti for her. How romantic!

Foible #9: Our Wooden Fire Station

Our town has the only wooden fire station left in the county. It looks like an old, converted barn and some wonder whether it is up to fire code. That would be a scandal if it wasn’t. But so far it still is. Still, the firemen are embarrassed to sit out in front of it in the cool of the evenings. People make fun of it when they drive by because it seems so odd that an all-wooden building, an extremely flammable structure, would be the fire station. The fire chief has begged the town for years for a new brick building, but so far that has not happened due to lack of funds.

Finally, the fire chief got an idea that would turn the tide. He went down to the print shop and placed a big order. A week later a large cardboard box arrived in the mail. They opened it and carefully unfolded what was inside. It was a huge banner about three feet high and maybe twenty feet long. They hung it across the front of the fire station so everyone could read the big red letters.

The firemen now proudly sit out in front of the fire station in the evenings with this huge banner behind them proclaiming their message to the world. It simply says: “These guys are good.” Maybe it implies that they are the only crew in the county that is skilled enough and confident enough to house their equipment in a wooden structure. Or, maybe it implies that fire is scared of these guys and wouldn’t dare come around to where they reside.

In any case, people got the message and now smile, wave, and honk when they drive by instead of snickering and pointing. The firemen can now sit out front and puff out their chests instead of hiding inside the old wooden structure.

Talk about turning lemons into lemonade.

Foible #8: Oldest Man in Town

Mr. Mahoney, who turned 98 last month, passed away last Monday. I don’t think anybody knew his first name, except his widow Mrs. Mahoney but she never called him by it. They had pet names for each other. When they were first married, they called each other ‘dudey.’ I guess it was based on ‘dude.’ He was a good looking man and maybe he couldn’t think up a separate name for her, so he just called her the same thing back. Anyway, it stuck.

However, the longer they were married the longer their pet name became. After about 10 years, it was ‘dudey-mahooney,’ a variation of his last name. After about 20 years, it became ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni.’ The last part was probably in honor of her Italian heritage. They would call each other this in public. At the end of a party, Mr. Mahoney might say, “I will go bring the car around, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni.” It was embarrassing at first to overhear this little love language. But then, it became endearing. After 30 years, the name lengthened to ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney.’ Only they knew what the last part meant and they didn’t tell anybody. It stayed this way for quite a while because it was becoming incredibly long. People wondered if it would get any longer. Sure enough, on their 60th wedding anniversary, they called each other ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney.’ This last part must refer to the great length of their marriage.

It wasn’t long after their 60th wedding anniversary that one day Mr. Mahoney could not recite the whole pet name. He got stuck and could only go as far as ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-cal—.’ Mrs. Mahoney didn’t think much of it at the time because it was a long phrase. But it started getting shorter. They went to Dr. Wilson and it was confirmed that Mr. Mahoney had Alzheimer’s disease. The years passed and the pet name got shorter and shorter until sometime last year, he couldn’t even say ‘dudey’ and stared at her with a blank look.

His tombstone had the usual information engraved on it but an epitaph was added. The funeral director said that this was the longest word ever engraved and it took up three lines running back and forth on that stone. Mrs. Mahoney added two more parts to their pet name after his death. All together, the engraved epitaph read “Remember me always, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney-too-soonie-my-swoonie.” For her dear love had left her too soon.

Foible #7: Smartest Person in Town

A vigorous debate broke out among the regulars at Meg’s Diner this morning over who was the smartest person in town. Quickly, the two leading candidates became Doc Hadley, the veterinarian, and Dr. Wilson, the human doctor.

“It’s the vet, no question,” Mort said. “He has to know medicine for so many different animals: cats, dogs, pets like lizards and guinea pigs, livestock like chickens, sheep, goats, pigs, horses, and cows. Then, when Ralph Jacobs gets a new exotic animal every couple years, Doc Hadley has to learn about that. Let’s see, there’s been llama, water buffalo, reindeer, ostrich, and last year it was emu, I think. Dr. Wilson only has to know about humans.”

This was a pretty convincing argument until Hal spoke up.

“But Dr. Wilson has to understand women,” Hal countered. “And women are more complicated than all those animals put together.”

There were many nods among the debaters because all the regulars at Meg’s Diner were men. Meg was the only woman in the diner and she learned to stay out of these things, so she just rolled her eyes and kept their coffee mugs filled.

No one there could top Hal’s argument, so the human doctor, Dr. Wilson, looked like the winner until Ralph Jacobs came through the diner doors and got wind of the topic of conversation.

Ralph Jacobs was that farmer every community had who seemed to try out a new exotic animal every couple years. He loved the attention it gave him. Cars would slowly drive by staring. Some would stop and ask if their children could get a closer look. Ralph ate it all up and his latest acquisition after the emu didn’t work out was a new breed of Chinese cattle that were a striking orange except on the snout which was white with a strange tuft of white hair that stuck out.

“I’m voting for Doc Hadley and I’ll tell you why,” Ralph Jacobs began. “My new Chinese cattle are purebred but all the calves that have been born are definitely not purebred. It’s perplexing because none of my neighbors have cattle. I’ve stayed up many a night looking for an American bull who has been sneaking into the field mixing with my Chinese herd. I’ve never seen one so I’ve been dumbfounded for months. I called Doc Hadley out and he figured it out in about five minutes.”

All the regulars leaned in toward Ralph to hear more and even Meg stopped dead in her tracks while carrying her coffee pot about.

“Doc Hadley came out to my place and started slowly walking around near the barn with his head down,” Ralph Jacobs continued. “I told him I had 160 acres of pasture that the cattle roam and that he shouldn’t spend all his time by the barn, but Doc Hadley kept his head down and just raised his hand to quiet me as he continued slowly moving about. Then he stopped and pointed to the ground. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘American bullshit.’ Sure enough, there was a cowpie right there that looked different than all the other cowpies. With that brilliant bit of detective work, Doc Hadley proved that a rogue bull was coming onto my property. With that he left and I tracked those American cowpies out to the pasture to the fence I share with the Overmeyers. That night, sure enough, a bull from about four farms away came leaping over my fence. I made the fence higher and I have had no problem since.”

“That Doc Hadley sure knows his bullshit,” Mort quipped. Everyone laughed.

So, at least today, Doc Hadley is considered the smartest person in town. But we’ll see how long that stands up among the morning regulars at Meg’s Diner.