Foible #7: Smartest Person in Town

A vigorous debate broke out among the regulars at Meg’s Diner this morning over who was the smartest person in town. Quickly, the two leading candidates became Doc Hadley, the veterinarian, and Dr. Wilson, the human doctor.

“It’s the vet, no question,” Mort said. “He has to know medicine for so many different animals: cats, dogs, pets like lizards and guinea pigs, livestock like chickens, sheep, goats, pigs, horses, and cows. Then, when Ralph Jacobs gets a new exotic animal every couple years, Doc Hadley has to learn about that. Let’s see, there’s been llama, water buffalo, reindeer, ostrich, and last year it was emu, I think. Dr. Wilson only has to know about humans.”

This was a pretty convincing argument until Hal spoke up.

“But Dr. Wilson has to understand women,” Hal countered. “And women are more complicated than all those animals put together.”

There were many nods among the debaters because all the regulars at Meg’s Diner were men. Meg was the only woman in the diner and she learned to stay out of these things, so she just rolled her eyes and kept their coffee mugs filled.

No one there could top Hal’s argument, so the human doctor, Dr. Wilson, looked like the winner until Ralph Jacobs came through the diner doors and got wind of the topic of conversation.

Ralph Jacobs was that farmer every community had who seemed to try out a new exotic animal every couple years. He loved the attention it gave him. Cars would slowly drive by staring. Some would stop and ask if their children could get a closer look. Ralph ate it all up and his latest acquisition after the emu didn’t work out was a new breed of Chinese cattle that were a striking orange except on the snout which was white with a strange tuft of white hair that stuck out.

“I’m voting for Doc Hadley and I’ll tell you why,” Ralph Jacobs began. “My new Chinese cattle are purebred but all the calves that have been born are definitely not purebred. It’s perplexing because none of my neighbors have cattle. I’ve stayed up many a night looking for an American bull who has been sneaking into the field mixing with my Chinese herd. I’ve never seen one so I’ve been dumbfounded for months. I called Doc Hadley out and he figured it out in about five minutes.”

All the regulars leaned in toward Ralph to hear more and even Meg stopped dead in her tracks while carrying her coffee pot about.

“Doc Hadley came out to my place and started slowly walking around near the barn with his head down,” Ralph Jacobs continued. “I told him I had 160 acres of pasture that the cattle roam and that he shouldn’t spend all his time by the barn, but Doc Hadley kept his head down and just raised his hand to quiet me as he continued slowly moving about. Then he stopped and pointed to the ground. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘American bullshit.’ Sure enough, there was a cowpie right there that looked different than all the other cowpies. With that brilliant bit of detective work, Doc Hadley proved that a rogue bull was coming onto my property. With that he left and I tracked those American cowpies out to the pasture to the fence I share with the Overmeyers. That night, sure enough, a bull from about four farms away came leaping over my fence. I made the fence higher and I have had no problem since.”

“That Doc Hadley sure knows his bullshit,” Mort quipped. Everyone laughed.

So, at least today, Doc Hadley is considered the smartest person in town. But we’ll see how long that stands up among the morning regulars at Meg’s Diner.