Foible #6: The Shortest School Assembly Ever

Fr. Logan made his yearly appearance at the opening school assembly to greet the kids at Our Lady of the Angels Elementary School. Fr. Logan does not like kids all that much and he certainly is not very good with them. But, once a year he stops avoiding them and comes over to the school to try to appear pleasant to the kids and say a few words to them. Someone gave him the idea this year that the way to talk to kids is to be interactive with them, ask them questions. He ran this idea by the principal, Mrs. Walsh, and she merely responded, “Be ready for any answer.”

Feeling confident that he was certainly much smarter than any kid, Fr. Logan shrugged off Mrs. Walsh’s warning and strode out to the middle of the gymnasium after she quieted them all down. All 180 of them sat in rows on the uncomfortable bleachers staring back at this man all dressed in black that hardly any of them knew. The bleachers were full with the 8th graders on the top row and the kindergarteners on the bottom row. Thank goodness the pre-schoolers did not come to the assembly on this day.

“Our school is called Our Lady of the Angels,” Fr. Logan began. “Does anyone know what angels do?”

“Make love,” shot back a first grade girl named Rachel with the most innocent face imaginable.

The 8th grade boys nearly fell off the top of the bleachers as they rolled uncontrollably back and forth from laughter. The 7th grade boys stomped their feet and slapped their knees as they roared and filled the gym with a deafening sound. The 6th and 5th graders also understood the unintended joke and joined in on the cacophonous chaos. The 4th graders pretended to understand and imitated the older children. The younger children, 3rd grade and younger, definitely did not understand and turned around so confused and a bit frightened of the bigger children. Some 1st graders began to cry. The kindergarteners on the bottom bleacher spontaneously stood up and moved onto the gym floor to get away from the scary ruckus the older kids were making.

Mrs. Walsh came onto the gym floor waving wildly to her teachers to come forth and yelled “Back to class! Back to class!” The teachers moved onto the floor like riot police and each began to herd her portion of the unruly crowd toward the doors. Fr. Logan stood there lifeless. He looked like someone had clubbed him over the head. Children rushed by on each side of him, brushing him, bumping him, but still he stood there like a zombie.

The gym cleared and one by one you could hear the classroom doors slam and muffle a bit of the uproar. Amidst the mob, Mrs. Walsh managed to find Rachel, the 1st grader who unwittingly started all this, and escorted her by the hand into the office. Rachel was so confused. Mrs. Walsh sat her down and then sat down across from her.

“That was a great answer!” Mrs. Walsh said to Rachel. “Angels create love and spread it throughout the world. They make love and share that love with us all. The other kids loved your answer so much that they just couldn’t contain themselves. And don’t let anyone tell you anything different. Now, stay here a while until things settle down.”

Fr. Logan continued standing all alone in the gym. The janitor turned off the gym lights and still Father stood there motionless. Finally, Fr. Logan wandered back to the rectory of the church never to be seen inside that school building again.