Foible #8: Oldest Man in Town

Mr. Mahoney, who turned 98 last month, passed away last Monday. I don’t think anybody knew his first name, except his widow Mrs. Mahoney but she never called him by it. They had pet names for each other. When they were first married, they called each other ‘dudey.’ I guess it was based on ‘dude.’ He was a good looking man and maybe he couldn’t think up a separate name for her, so he just called her the same thing back. Anyway, it stuck.

However, the longer they were married the longer their pet name became. After about 10 years, it was ‘dudey-mahooney,’ a variation of his last name. After about 20 years, it became ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni.’ The last part was probably in honor of her Italian heritage. They would call each other this in public. At the end of a party, Mr. Mahoney might say, “I will go bring the car around, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni.” It was embarrassing at first to overhear this little love language. But then, it became endearing. After 30 years, the name lengthened to ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney.’ Only they knew what the last part meant and they didn’t tell anybody. It stayed this way for quite a while because it was becoming incredibly long. People wondered if it would get any longer. Sure enough, on their 60th wedding anniversary, they called each other ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney.’ This last part must refer to the great length of their marriage.

It wasn’t long after their 60th wedding anniversary that one day Mr. Mahoney could not recite the whole pet name. He got stuck and could only go as far as ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-cal—.’ Mrs. Mahoney didn’t think much of it at the time because it was a long phrase. But it started getting shorter. They went to Dr. Wilson and it was confirmed that Mr. Mahoney had Alzheimer’s disease. The years passed and the pet name got shorter and shorter until sometime last year, he couldn’t even say ‘dudey’ and stared at her with a blank look.

His tombstone had the usual information engraved on it but an epitaph was added. The funeral director said that this was the longest word ever engraved and it took up three lines running back and forth on that stone. Mrs. Mahoney added two more parts to their pet name after his death. All together, the engraved epitaph read “Remember me always, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney-too-soonie-my-swoonie.” For her dear love had left her too soon.