Foible #9: Our Wooden Fire Station

Our town has the only wooden fire station left in the county. It looks like an old, converted barn and some wonder whether it is up to fire code. That would be a scandal if it wasn’t. But so far it still is. Still, the firemen are embarrassed to sit out in front of it in the cool of the evenings. People make fun of it when they drive by because it seems so odd that an all-wooden building, an extremely flammable structure, would be the fire station. The fire chief has begged the town for years for a new brick building, but so far that has not happened due to lack of funds.

Finally, the fire chief got an idea that would turn the tide. He went down to the print shop and placed a big order. A week later a large cardboard box arrived in the mail. They opened it and carefully unfolded what was inside. It was a huge banner about three feet high and maybe twenty feet long. They hung it across the front of the fire station so everyone could read the big red letters.

The firemen now proudly sit out in front of the fire station in the evenings with this huge banner behind them proclaiming their message to the world. It simply says: “These guys are good.” Maybe it implies that they are the only crew in the county that is skilled enough and confident enough to house their equipment in a wooden structure. Or, maybe it implies that fire is scared of these guys and wouldn’t dare come around to where they reside.

In any case, people got the message and now smile, wave, and honk when they drive by instead of snickering and pointing. The firemen can now sit out front and puff out their chests instead of hiding inside the old wooden structure.

Talk about turning lemons into lemonade.

Foible #8: Oldest Man in Town

Mr. Mahoney, who turned 98 last month, passed away last Monday. I don’t think anybody knew his first name, except his widow Mrs. Mahoney but she never called him by it. They had pet names for each other. When they were first married, they called each other ‘dudey.’ I guess it was based on ‘dude.’ He was a good looking man and maybe he couldn’t think up a separate name for her, so he just called her the same thing back. Anyway, it stuck.

However, the longer they were married the longer their pet name became. After about 10 years, it was ‘dudey-mahooney,’ a variation of his last name. After about 20 years, it became ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni.’ The last part was probably in honor of her Italian heritage. They would call each other this in public. At the end of a party, Mr. Mahoney might say, “I will go bring the car around, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni.” It was embarrassing at first to overhear this little love language. But then, it became endearing. After 30 years, the name lengthened to ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney.’ Only they knew what the last part meant and they didn’t tell anybody. It stayed this way for quite a while because it was becoming incredibly long. People wondered if it would get any longer. Sure enough, on their 60th wedding anniversary, they called each other ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney.’ This last part must refer to the great length of their marriage.

It wasn’t long after their 60th wedding anniversary that one day Mr. Mahoney could not recite the whole pet name. He got stuck and could only go as far as ‘dudey-mahooney-spamooni-cal—.’ Mrs. Mahoney didn’t think much of it at the time because it was a long phrase. But it started getting shorter. They went to Dr. Wilson and it was confirmed that Mr. Mahoney had Alzheimer’s disease. The years passed and the pet name got shorter and shorter until sometime last year, he couldn’t even say ‘dudey’ and stared at her with a blank look.

His tombstone had the usual information engraved on it but an epitaph was added. The funeral director said that this was the longest word ever engraved and it took up three lines running back and forth on that stone. Mrs. Mahoney added two more parts to their pet name after his death. All together, the engraved epitaph read “Remember me always, my dudey-mahooney-spamooni-calooney-long-tooney-too-soonie-my-swoonie.” For her dear love had left her too soon.

Foible #7: Smartest Person in Town

A vigorous debate broke out among the regulars at Meg’s Diner this morning over who was the smartest person in town. Quickly, the two leading candidates became Doc Hadley, the veterinarian, and Dr. Wilson, the human doctor.

“It’s the vet, no question,” Mort said. “He has to know medicine for so many different animals: cats, dogs, pets like lizards and guinea pigs, livestock like chickens, sheep, goats, pigs, horses, and cows. Then, when Ralph Jacobs gets a new exotic animal every couple years, Doc Hadley has to learn about that. Let’s see, there’s been llama, water buffalo, reindeer, ostrich, and last year it was emu, I think. Dr. Wilson only has to know about humans.”

This was a pretty convincing argument until Hal spoke up.

“But Dr. Wilson has to understand women,” Hal countered. “And women are more complicated than all those animals put together.”

There were many nods among the debaters because all the regulars at Meg’s Diner were men. Meg was the only woman in the diner and she learned to stay out of these things, so she just rolled her eyes and kept their coffee mugs filled.

No one there could top Hal’s argument, so the human doctor, Dr. Wilson, looked like the winner until Ralph Jacobs came through the diner doors and got wind of the topic of conversation.

Ralph Jacobs was that farmer every community had who seemed to try out a new exotic animal every couple years. He loved the attention it gave him. Cars would slowly drive by staring. Some would stop and ask if their children could get a closer look. Ralph ate it all up and his latest acquisition after the emu didn’t work out was a new breed of Chinese cattle that were a striking orange except on the snout which was white with a strange tuft of white hair that stuck out.

“I’m voting for Doc Hadley and I’ll tell you why,” Ralph Jacobs began. “My new Chinese cattle are purebred but all the calves that have been born are definitely not purebred. It’s perplexing because none of my neighbors have cattle. I’ve stayed up many a night looking for an American bull who has been sneaking into the field mixing with my Chinese herd. I’ve never seen one so I’ve been dumbfounded for months. I called Doc Hadley out and he figured it out in about five minutes.”

All the regulars leaned in toward Ralph to hear more and even Meg stopped dead in her tracks while carrying her coffee pot about.

“Doc Hadley came out to my place and started slowly walking around near the barn with his head down,” Ralph Jacobs continued. “I told him I had 160 acres of pasture that the cattle roam and that he shouldn’t spend all his time by the barn, but Doc Hadley kept his head down and just raised his hand to quiet me as he continued slowly moving about. Then he stopped and pointed to the ground. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘American bullshit.’ Sure enough, there was a cowpie right there that looked different than all the other cowpies. With that brilliant bit of detective work, Doc Hadley proved that a rogue bull was coming onto my property. With that he left and I tracked those American cowpies out to the pasture to the fence I share with the Overmeyers. That night, sure enough, a bull from about four farms away came leaping over my fence. I made the fence higher and I have had no problem since.”

“That Doc Hadley sure knows his bullshit,” Mort quipped. Everyone laughed.

So, at least today, Doc Hadley is considered the smartest person in town. But we’ll see how long that stands up among the morning regulars at Meg’s Diner.

Foible #6: The Shortest School Assembly Ever

Fr. Logan made his yearly appearance at the opening school assembly to greet the kids at Our Lady of the Angels Elementary School. Fr. Logan does not like kids all that much and he certainly is not very good with them. But, once a year he stops avoiding them and comes over to the school to try to appear pleasant to the kids and say a few words to them. Someone gave him the idea this year that the way to talk to kids is to be interactive with them, ask them questions. He ran this idea by the principal, Mrs. Walsh, and she merely responded, “Be ready for any answer.”

Feeling confident that he was certainly much smarter than any kid, Fr. Logan shrugged off Mrs. Walsh’s warning and strode out to the middle of the gymnasium after she quieted them all down. All 180 of them sat in rows on the uncomfortable bleachers staring back at this man all dressed in black that hardly any of them knew. The bleachers were full with the 8th graders on the top row and the kindergarteners on the bottom row. Thank goodness the pre-schoolers did not come to the assembly on this day.

“Our school is called Our Lady of the Angels,” Fr. Logan began. “Does anyone know what angels do?”

“Make love,” shot back a first grade girl named Rachel with the most innocent face imaginable.

The 8th grade boys nearly fell off the top of the bleachers as they rolled uncontrollably back and forth from laughter. The 7th grade boys stomped their feet and slapped their knees as they roared and filled the gym with a deafening sound. The 6th and 5th graders also understood the unintended joke and joined in on the cacophonous chaos. The 4th graders pretended to understand and imitated the older children. The younger children, 3rd grade and younger, definitely did not understand and turned around so confused and a bit frightened of the bigger children. Some 1st graders began to cry. The kindergarteners on the bottom bleacher spontaneously stood up and moved onto the gym floor to get away from the scary ruckus the older kids were making.

Mrs. Walsh came onto the gym floor waving wildly to her teachers to come forth and yelled “Back to class! Back to class!” The teachers moved onto the floor like riot police and each began to herd her portion of the unruly crowd toward the doors. Fr. Logan stood there lifeless. He looked like someone had clubbed him over the head. Children rushed by on each side of him, brushing him, bumping him, but still he stood there like a zombie.

The gym cleared and one by one you could hear the classroom doors slam and muffle a bit of the uproar. Amidst the mob, Mrs. Walsh managed to find Rachel, the 1st grader who unwittingly started all this, and escorted her by the hand into the office. Rachel was so confused. Mrs. Walsh sat her down and then sat down across from her.

“That was a great answer!” Mrs. Walsh said to Rachel. “Angels create love and spread it throughout the world. They make love and share that love with us all. The other kids loved your answer so much that they just couldn’t contain themselves. And don’t let anyone tell you anything different. Now, stay here a while until things settle down.”

Fr. Logan continued standing all alone in the gym. The janitor turned off the gym lights and still Father stood there motionless. Finally, Fr. Logan wandered back to the rectory of the church never to be seen inside that school building again.